thinandfitforlife

I’ve been in a funk for the past few days, for the silliest of reasons.  It’s over a boy…but not because he didn’t like me…because he didn’t want to be my friend.  I value friends and human interaction.  Both have been limited to me since I moved here.  And it’s been rough.  I’ve done my best to keep myself busy through exercising and well exercising.

But that can only take up so much of my time.  My body is starting to hate me for all the movement I’m subjecting it to.  I feel bad constantly texting my friends back home because I know they have busy lives.  But the loneliness is getting to me.

Luckily I haven’t turned to food for comfort.  Well there was one lunch where I was ridiculously hungry.  But nothing like I would have a few years ago.  I’m not sure when I turned the corner but that is definitely a NSV.  Hopefully I can keep that in mind when I get stressed at school.  The food won’t make my stress go away.  Exercise and friends…they are the best things for funk and stress.

Where do you turn when you are in a funk or are stressed?

“You don’t drown by falling in the water.  You drown by staying there” — Unknown

I refuse to drown, I will kick until I get my butt and body where it needs to be.  That is my journey and why I joined weight watchers.   Since moving to Maine…I have questioned my decision to join this weight watchers location …

This post is less about the gain and more about my weight watchers experience.

I had decided to start attending meetings again, thinking that a different leader would be better. I wasn’t nervous about stepping on the scale at all. Over the past week I had worked out harder, faithfully tracked my eating and ate well. What I wasn’t expecting was the look of terror on the woman on the other side of the counter. Now I started to panic a little because no one wants to see that look when they are standing on a scale. I want sunshine and daisies and beautiful music to play when I step on that evil beast. And I got terror.

“You’re up 0.2. Do you know what you might have done wrong last week?”

It didn’t hit me at first she said 0.2, I thought she said 2. I was baffled. I tracked. I kicked my butt…25 miles…45 Activity Points.

Then it hit me…she said 0.2 …that’s nothing. That could be not using the bathroom before my weigh in or not completely drying my hair (which now that I think about it..I hadn’t.). My hair is a thirsty being and could probably hold 2 pounds of water if it wanted to.

I whole heartedly believe I did nothing wrong. I’m not even entirely sure if I want to go back on Thursday night. I know I will…but it makes me miss my home meetings even more. Weight watchers works for me. I lost 16 pounds in 7 weeks before the dreaded and awful 0.2 pound gain.

I will stick with this because its about me and not terror lady. Though she does the face again, those paper trackers on the counter may be flying at her.

See I told you they were cute.

So anyone who knows me can tell you of my love for cupcakes. If the world was a perfect place I’d have a physical therapy practice with a cupcake place attached to it. I used to have this weird tradition of going to walmart to get a cake slice or a cupcake after my weight watcher weigh-in days.  I fondly named it “cake tuesday” and then renamed it “cake wednesday” when my meeting night changed.  And until recently I didn’t see anything wrong with this.  And I wondered why I’m a fat kid?

Once I even left my credit card at a cupcake bakery.  I honestly didn’t try it on purpose, the cashier didn’t give it back to me.  It started as a simple trip to get my mother 3 french toast cupcakes to celebrate her birthday.  When I went back to get my card I had to stand by the cupcake displays while I waited for the hotel security (it’s a fancy cupcake place…the best kind of cupcake place…unless it’s a cupcake truck…but I digress) to fetch my card for me. This is when I swear the mini cupcakes started talking to me.  Honestly this is what i heard “we’re so cute and lonely, please take us cupcake orphans home and love us” … it’s true.  So these little guys tagged along with me.  Again…I wondered why I was a fat kid, I probably should have asked those orphan cupcakes.  The good news was I only ate one a day and only had four of them, my parents took care of the rest.

"I didn't need you, so I didn't eat you!"

Last night I had planned on using my weekly points to have a cupcake.  I had bought half a dozen the other night because after my hike I truly wanted a cupcake and I hadn’t had one in a couple of months.  So I bought 6 for my family to share.  Last night when my parents decided they wanted dessert I shocked them by saying I didn’t want a cupcake.  I checked in with myself.  I wasn’t hungry, my dinner had been very filling and I didn’t need it.  So why eat it?

If my life was a musical there would be fanfare and fireworks going off in the background right now. People would have sprung out from behind the couch and there would have been a spontaneous dance number that doesn’t quite fit but its a musical so who would question it?

The cupcake is still in the fridge, all alone, and he will stay there until I decide I want him or I throw him in the trash.  I think I will test my will power for a bit.  Maybe I will have him for a treat after my 5K on wednesday night.

So what magical moments have you had where you decided you were full and didn’t need something or just had a mini-breakthrough?

“No one would chose a friendless existence on condition of having all the other things in the world” — Aristotle

I thought I had adjusted to living in a new place where I don’t know anyone.  But, the past few days have been rough.  I keep seeing friends hanging out, couples hiking and running and families at the grocery store.   I guess the loneliness compounded with realizing that my ex probably started cheating on me around this time last year has put me in a sad place.

I will be the first person to tell you that I don’t need to be with someone in order to be complete.  I think that is silly and I would never live that way.   And I also know that for some people they do need someone and they don’t think it is silly to be completed by someone else.  So when I say it is silly, that is purely for me and no one else.  Everyone is different and needs different things to make them feel whole.

So why do I find myself so lonely and wanting for companionship?  Maybe it’s because I’ve found this great new passion for exercise (well it’s renewed passion…I’ve had it for awhile) and want to be able to share it with someone.  Or maybe it’s that darn internal clock telling me that I should be settled down and starting a family by now.  Maybe it’s the fact that I have had horrible relationships and I think that maybe I’m bad at relationships.

I know that I’ve made school a focus and that getting into a relationship when I’m moving several states away in less than 2 months is silly.  But is it wrong to want someone to go hiking with, someone who asks me to go running with them or just someone to talk to?

(I apologize for this rambling post…the next one will be better I promise)

“Enthusiasm is excitement with inspiration, motivation, and a pinch of creativity.” — Bo Bennett

I was never a cheerleader, that was my always slender younger sister’s thing, but enthusiasm…that I can do.  Have you ever been explaining something that you are really passionate about to someone else?  You can feel your face light up, you get excited, you probably gesture more than normal and you may even talk a little faster…but it’s a great feeling.  Enthusiasm and passion drive us to continue with the things we love, help others and explore new and fascinating areas.

So why don’t we show the same enthusiasm for dieting?

I know I’m definitely guilty of complaining about having to watch what I eat and trust me I’m not always doing cartwheels into the gym.  But I could be a little more enthusiastic about it.  I’m changing myself for the better, that should put a smile on my face.  I’m getting smaller, running (it seems like a miracle) and loving life.  It’s time to let that shine.

I was sitting in a weight watchers meeting a couple of weeks ago and I felt myself being enthusiastic about finding creative ways to enjoy things I love and still lose weight.  Compromises seem to be such a large part of my success, and with tracking and exercise my weight has been coming back off again.

So what can you do to be enthusiastic about your new healthy outlook on life?  Even finding one thing that puts a bounce in your step can push you to do better!

“So don’t be afraid to let them show, your true colors, true colors are beautiful like a rainbow” — Cyndi Lauper

I recently heard this song played at the end of a movie, I’m not even sure which movie it was…possibly Sex and the City:2.  It got me thinking: do I let my true colors show?  Do I even know what my true colors are?  I don’t think I do.

I’ve been feeling my way through life the past few years and I really haven’t been true to myself 100% of the time.  I would say maybe 5% of the time I really let myself be who I am.  I am quirky, eclectic and downright nerdy … and I love that about myself. But I spend a lot of time worrying that other’s won’t like the real me and I have become this watered down version of me.  But on a vacation with some really amazing and true friends they told me that I was happier than they had seen me in years.  What was different?  I wasn’t being the watered down me…I was truly enjoying myself.  And they liked it…a lot.

So from now on, that’s the me I want to be.  I won’t be afraid to like going to the gym and watching Sci-Fi.  I won’t be afraid to act like a 5 year old because growing up is way overrated.  I won’t feel bad for putting school first because it means a great deal to me.  If people don’t like me for who I am…then they don’t need to be in my life.

My weight loss needs to be the same way…I have to accept that managing my weight is part of my true colors…when I try to ignore it the scale creeps up.  I know that even after losing all the weight I’m not going to be a skinny girl that can do whatever she wants.  Moderation and exercise will be added to my list of quirky “colors.” It’s not going to be easy all the time but in time my true colors can show and I will be beautiful inside and out.

What are your true colors and how do you let them show?

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